Bisexual Girls Club

That Ex-Plains It

I think I finally figured it out. Why is it that it bothered me so much with the whole ex-thing?

if it wasn’t the sex then I must have cared a little. Or maybe I wanted to care more. And that way it just wouldn’t be cheap sex. If it was great sex, then that would be okay too. That would be another story because I would know it was just lust and I could understand that too. But now I guess I don’t even understand myself either. I guess I just want people to give a damn and that right there is my freaking problem.

While it’s true that I just want people to give a damn, I don’t think that was necessarily my issue here. Yeah, I probably wanted him to care a little more. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel special or like they matter more than they probably do. I think I figured it out when I said that maybe I wanted to care more. And that’s just it. I didn’t really care that much either. And so, even though the sex wasn’t so great, at least not after a couple of times, I probably just wanted the cheap easy sex too.

I realize that makes me look awful in a way, but in another way not. I mean, I guess it’s the same thing I was accusing him of, which was that he just wanted to get laid. Well, it’s not like that was such a bad thing in it of itself. I want to get laid too and for anybody else who wants to get laid, well there’s nothing wrong with that. It bothered me that that is all he wanted from me yes, but when I think of it some more, that’s really all I wanted from him. And then I struggled to reconcile that in my mind. I wanted to want more from the whole thing because then I might feel more important somehow.

But when I really look inside myself, I see that agreeing to meet up with my ex was because I kind of knew or hoped he would be an easy lay. And then when it wasn’t as good anymore, then maybe that’s when I just plain got bored. Or maybe it wasn’t as good anymore because I was bored. And maybe it pissed me off that it wasn’t boring for him so he was kind of having more fun than I was. Hmmm…

All the while, what I really liked about him was that he was new (albeit someone I’d been with before, it had been so long that he might as well have been new) and different and then certainly easy. He was also the only other one really available at the time. In other words, I had nothing else going on (a man other than Lex that is), so I might as well have sex with him. And in many ways it was all pretty shallow on my part. I admit it, sometimes I just want to get physical.

Nonetheless, I was looking for easy sex from someone whom I found to be very attractive and that’s what my ex was offering, but ultimately that stopped being stimulating pretty quickly. It’s not easy for me to be comfortable with people and I am definitely very picky when choosing a sexual partner, therefore I probably make things much harder for myself than I should. Not that I’m saying I should just sleep with others indiscriminately, but since I’m looking for some easy naughty new sex, then I have to let go of my inhibitions better so that I can get more of what I want without having to look to people from my past who will probably ultimately fall short of the fantasy anyway.

Now since I’m confessing, well I have to say I didn’t really like the shape of his penis either. See he’s uncircumcised, which on it’s own is not a problem for me, but the fact that I couldn’t bring his foreskin down far enough to really see the shape of his head always annoyed me. Of course then I began to compare to Lex’s shape, which is absolutely beautiful, so certainly that was another “point” against the ex. And again that’s shallow of me, but I can’t help it if I like to a certain shape. I would like to be able to just pick any hot guy off the street and just get the sex I want and have him then just leave me alone after that or at least not be annoying (as they invariably are), but I can’t tell just from seeing a hot guy if he’s going to have the right size, shape or know how to use it. I just never know for sure if I’m really going to want the guy until he drops his pants. Sometimes I just want to get laid right and have a good orgasm. Is that too much to ask for?

The Ex Door

An ex-lover contacted me last week. The last time I emailed him, I told him I did not want to open up “this door” again. I guess he did not understand what that meant. Either that or he was bored and thought I would be an easy lay. I should have ignored his message, but I was trying to be nice. Eventually he asked me out to lunch. I declined and he said he understood. That seemed simple enough. He was never much for words. It just bothered me so much that he was so unmoved. And here he comes to disturb my peace. I mean I said goodbye and that was that. So why stir the pot suddenly if you don’t even care about the results? To me that’s just plain cruel.

He even told me long ago that he thought I was the one. Those words scared me and were not something I ever wanted from him. So if I would have slept with him regardless, why use such language when it’s meaningless? It’s just pointless confusion added into the mix and false complication which truly disturb me. I don’t understand people sometimes. How they can complicate a situation and not be affected. I like to keep things simple, but when it gets complicated, it affects me strongly and I take it to heart. Maybe I just wanted him to care a little more and that’s stupid of me. Because maybe I don’t want to be wrong in my initial thinking that he was different. And then it makes me wonder why I gave him as much time as I did. Why I cared even a little.

I was glad to be rid of him because I saw he could never really care very much. I got over him pretty soon after I said goodbye though I had to promise myself I wouldn’t think of him because it always bothered me how he could be so unfeeling with someone he had known from way back when. The history doesn’t mean much, I know, but shouldn’t it mean a little more than just a romp in the hay? Then he had to come by again and it doesn’t settle right for me. And his simple words just served to piss me off.

I used to think he was so patient and such a nice guy, but the truth is he was probably like that because he was just not a very passionate man; at least not passionate enough for me. I think I was into the idea of him more than the reality of him. I’m not even sure why I stayed with him as long as I did the first time. I don’t even know why I went back to him when he came looking for me the second time. I don’t know why I responded to him at all when he came looking for me this now third time.

He’d be good in bed once or twice, then it was just the same boring thing over and again. Unfortunately it wasn’t a very orgasmic experience overall. Pardon me, but if possible I want to have at least one orgasm every time. Okay, I’ll forgo it now and again without making a big deal about it, but when no orgasm becomes the norm - well you just can’t expect to keep a multi-orgasmic woman satisfied that way. I don’t think he even knows what a female orgasm is. That’s a pretty unfortunate thing.

So if it wasn’t the sex then I must have cared a little. Or maybe I wanted to care more. And that way it just wouldn’t be cheap sex. If it was great sex, then that would be okay too. That would be another story because I would know it was just lust and I could understand that too. But now I guess I don’t even understand myself either. I guess I just want people to give a damn and that right there is my freaking problem.

Finally I told him to get rid of my email address. I should have blocked him. “Okay, have fun.” Just a simple message from him - two days later. Again with the dispassionate tone. Why did he even bother to continue responding at that point? That really pissed me off. What makes someone contact an ex and not try to do anything meaningful with it? I reiterate, he just wanted to get laid. So I finally told him to leave me alone and that I would block him. Not my most mature moment. As I’ve already stated, I really should have just ignored his message. And now I have to put him out of my mind for good. I just hope he doesn’t change his email address again and try yet another time! I don’t want to have to change my email because this guy keeps wanting to scratch his itch as he pleases on my expense.

Some people think they can just call upon you whenever they please if you don’t explicitly request that they leave you alone. The way we left things the last time, anybody with a clue would not imagine they could come back again. We don’t even travel in the same circles. There was no longer any reason for us to look for each other.

So while I was willing to give a little more, he didn’t really deserve my friendship. I just wish he had been half the decent man he was when I first met him.

I guess you can only walk through the Ex Door once.

My First Kiss

I never had slumber parties and pillow fights that turned into make out sessions with my best girlfriends. Finding out about other women’s experiences when I started dating them, I was intrigued by the kind of freedom they must have had to have discovered their true selves so early in life. I was always a late starter. Perhaps it always took me too long to prepare and feel comfortable with things that it’s possible I even denied certain feelings in me. Or maybe those feelings were just not ready to come out.

That night, however, I was ready to meet her. For some reason the promise of that night’s party really intrigued me. It seemed like it could be a night to just let myself escape any and all judgment. After all, it was about being accepted for being different. I have always felt I was a bit different. Not special because I was different, just kind of the oddball, even with my friends. Well, most people would just call me weird. I always had my own strange energy and glow about me. So, a BGLU (Bisexual, Gay, and Lesbian Union) party seemed like the kind of thing where maybe I wouldn’t be so strange. And hey, well, I was in college and I was sexually charged, so why not see what could happen. I did already admire one beautiful woman for the freedom she seemed to possess. I wanted to feel that for myself.

I didn’t really know what to think when I found myself on to the dance floor. But it wasn’t long before I felt a tingle. As I stood and danced next to this adorable red head I had never seen before, it now makes sense why it all seemed so natural. I didn’t even realize she was the same Junior, Rachel, who was in my art class. In my mind I really was seeing her for the first time.

I think she must have sensed the chemistry between us because as soon as I got close to her she didn’t push away. In fact she kept her spot next to me and wiggled her butt closer and closer as the music continued. She seemed to know what she was doing and I just wanted to stay close to her. I even forgot to feel awkward for that night. A little flirtation was all I needed to get me fired up.

Nothing happened that night, except that we built up the anticipation. We exchanged extensions and I impatiently waited for time to pass so I could call her at last. I always had a thing for redheads actually.

Except for the girl who I had a crush on (I realize now that’s what it was… I had no idea when it was actually happening) when I was in the first grade. This girl Amelia was in the fifth grade and my sister was actually jealous of her because when Amelia paid attention to me, I would kind of ignore others around me. Amelia was a very pretty brunette. I even remember seeing her many years later, after my sophomore year experience. I recognized her immediately and then I knew that Amelia was my first crush.

So back to the more future past… this redhead, Rachel, was quite lovely. And when I finally got her on the phone (a couple of days later I think – probably Monday – the party had been on Friday or Saturday) she sounded elated to hear my voice. I twirled my hair as we spoke. And then Tuesday would be time for another art class so I would get to see this lovely vision again. But honestly I had no idea what to do. It made me so nervous when I thought about the reality of it all.

So overcome with strange yet familiar feelings, I tried telling myself that I was just pretending. But when I remember the dance that night, there’s no doubt in my mind that what I felt was real. It really did hit me from nowhere so it’s impossible for me to have been pretending. It was the same kind of feeling I had when I looked into the eyes of that boy Angelo (throughout my years in High School), who always reminded me of that man in one of my favorite romance novels. Man or woman, the feeling of desire is something I cannot and have not ever been able to deny.

Eventually I visited Rachel at West Hall. Actually we just sat together outside the dorm on the lawn next to the Science Quad on a sunny day after class had ended. After another phone conversation and me not knowing what the hell to do next, but wanting so badly to see her and touch her again (I felt so uncertain of things I didn’t really even know what to say to her in class so I just sat next to her and trembled while other people were around), I insisted that we should really talk in person. So we talked about the fact that we liked each other.

Actually this was around the same time that Lex first suggested we have a threesome and so that’s probably why it was easy for me to pretend I didn’t really like girls. But the more I thought about things, the more I realized I was already being heavily influenced by both external and internal factors. Aside from Lex and his notions, there was that movie with Daryl Hannah and Peter Gallagher that inspired the desire in me. And I saw that way before college. Most importantly though, I couldn’t help tingling when I stood near Rachel.

Well, I did want to have a threesome with her… so it all starting spinning off that idea. I tried nervously to convince her to see things my way, and I really believe she wanted to have an adventure with me, whatever it might be.

It’s just that I was pretty scared and confused and sorting out what exactly was happening. I lacked confidence and understanding of such matters. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. I only knew that I had these feelings and I needed to do something about it. And I know now for sure that I had some feelings for her. Whether it was lust or more that that, it was undeniably a resounding leap outside of my straight life. This was the first expression of my bisexuality. And we would kiss for the first time surrounded by the soft light of her dorm room. I remember she always had a scarf draped across her lamp and some sweet scent that added a soft touch. It seemed so natural yet so strange at the same time. What does an 18 year old do with those feelings when she’s never been taught other than “when a man loves a woman?” Sure there were the members of the BGLU – but they were not like me. They were “the other.” Most of the ones who were out were artists and I didn’t know anything about them. I loved math and science. And although I have some creative bones in my body, I certainly couldn’t bet anything on my artistic abilities (at least not reliably so). So who could I relate to? Who could I really talk to? I’m not trying to make a metaphor out of that, just that it was a matter of where I felt comfortable being fully who I was. I guess I always felt stuck in between two worlds. Not enough in one or the other to fully be a part of either.

I remember that one day while Lex and I was were visiting Rachel in her dorm room, all three of us just talking and spending some time getting to know each other, she asked if I would take a shower with her and of course I obliged. We both touched each other kind of slowly like two young and naive virgins trying to guide each other through the unknown.

We would fool around here and there now and again for the next maybe couple of months. We even ended up in my dorm room and all three of us ended up taking a shower together (I was lucky to have a shower in my room!) since it was supposed to be a suite that I ended up getting all to myself for the Spring Semester. We tried all sorts of different permutations and really kind of tried to make it all work. But in the end what was “kinky” to Lex was Rachel’s “sexuality.” Hell, I thought it all went hand in hand , but apparently those were insurmountable differences. Rachel also told me that she began to have more serious feelings for me and couldn’t continue in a threesome relationship. And so we ended things saying it would be best if we remained friends.

Unfortunately the next year, I was not ready to see her again. Perhaps I was more broken hearted than I wanted to admit. When a person says I care about you too much so I’m leaving you, it’s very hard to swallow. And I wanted so badly to bring all my worlds together, but not being able to just soured me to the whole idea of my redheaded beauty. I was still too young to know that what I felt for her was real and not just me pretending to like girls. I wish I had been kinder to her the next time I saw her, when she entered into her Senior year and I into my Junior year in college. At a party she greeted me by tapping me on my back. And I simply ignored her, leaving her quite distraught (Lex described her reaction. I was too stubborn to look back). I apologized to her months later and she accepted it … but there was nothing left between us.

Yet, to this day I still remember what she smelled like. Especially after we showered together. I still have a couple of pieces of art work I created in that art class both during class time and after hours whenever she promised she too would be at the studio. Despite my artistic non-abilities, I did find a way to express that side of myself. Perhaps she inspired me with that first kiss

Blogging

A girl asked me the other day, “What is the hardest thing about having your blog?” She went on to speculate whether it was the fact that I am vulnerable and anyone can write all sorts of comments anonymously; judging me and not appreciating that I put myself out there.

No, I guess I can’s really ask anyone to feel sorry for me about that. I chose this.

I am not worried about sending my picture over the internet or exposing myself in this blog though obviously I’m choosing my own limitations like not having my face posted here or things like giving out my last name, SSN and mother’s maiden name. But I meet a lot of people who have read my blog or my husband’s blog and I don’t hide from them.

There is no privacy on the internet, so I hear. I think I’ve gotten over it. I got over it after Lex first started his blog and discussed it with people we knew who had their own livejournal. After a falling out (because we wouldn’t have sex with the couple) the girlfriend posted nasty comments on the loft site (we have since learned about a little thing called “moderating comments”). Eventually she apologized. I got over it after the Swedish couple was insulted upon discovering the blog (I don’t remember telling them). Rereading it now, I can’t be sure, but I could almost swear the entry might have been modified. Though it is a rare occurrence, in this case I think it was less hassle to remove some of the details. The husband was just not happy when he found out the wife was getting eaten out by some other guy without his permission and he lashed out at us. Anyway, here was another lesson on needing to moderate comments.

It took me a little longer to get over our email stalker, but once she finally vanished (I’ll save that for another story) it was just a matter of me remembering I don’t want to become a hermit just so that I keep all the crazies away. I eventually got over it me when an ex-girlfriend blew her top (apparently not even my friendship was needed anymore shortly after we introduced her to her fiancé - so she fabricated an argument) threatening me over AIM (AOL Instant Messenger that is - I myself have mostly gotten over the whole chatting phase in my life).

I got over it almost immediately after a now ex-coworker found my woman-for-woman profile (with a photo of me wearing nothing but a painted dress) and proceeded to inform me that since there was no picture on his profile I would never know who he was, but that I shouldn’t worry my secret life was safe with him.

Well, listen, I became vulnerable long before my blog, first of all. Second of all, it’s not the internet that could kill me. It’s the people everywhere and anywhere that could hurt me, whether I meet them in real life or in cyberspace, whether or not I get “voice verification” before I agree to meet someone. As long as I meet people in neutral space and never bring back someone to my apartment or go to theirs unless I feel comfortable and safe as best I can.

So, I made a decision long ago to not stay in my house and hide away for the rest of my life. And yeah, at least keep my sex life separate from my family life and probably from my work life. But outside of that, what I do on my time is my own choice. No one else can take that away from me. Only by shutting me up would they have won.

I told the girl that I did feel vulnerable though and there was that matter of being judged by others as a potential problem. But there was more to it. I told her it was difficult sometimes. The girl continued to probe, “Is it that you don’t have a enough material or that you don’t have time to write about it.

I felt like I had to defend myself. Yes! I have plenty of material. I’m not a total loser. And some days some interesting things happen in my life too. And yes, I have definitely felt like I often just need to live my life. Although I have fantasies about keeping up with my dairy every day like I used to as a little girl or a crazy teenager with a crush on every other person I knew or every other celebrity I wish I knew (it was a form of catharsis), I am often too busy living the chaos of my life. Still, there was yet more to that answer. But my response to her was simply “not enough time.” That’s not at all untrue. It’s just that it’s only another part of it.

What was I unwilling to share with this woman I had only met minutes before she asked me the questions? She read my blog and my husband’s blog for some time. She knew something about me. I knew nothing about her except that she was married and her husband bought us wine. Could I share the truth with her in that moment. If I had known I was going to post it here, I would have said it, but these thoughts were still dancing around in my head and I was not ready to share. I didn’t even know for sure if I wanted to share that information.

Well, the full story, the full truth was that people cannot handle the truth. I myself have trouble with it sometimes, being known as a bit sensitive. Well, this blog isn’t so much the catharsis I wanted it to be. At least not yet. I feel like I CANNOT be completely honest. And I thought having my blog would allow me to say what I could not say on my husband’s blog. Even just knowing that people know what’s really inside of me… as long as I can control it, that can be quite a rush , but really, how would people react if they really knew the truth about certain things. Only a super secret blog to blog what I just can’t blog about sometimes would be a true catharsis. The problem is that although I want to not care about the traffic I get, I can’t help it. I’ve probably been accused of caring too much somethings. And then there’s the fact that people can do some crazy things when faced with the truth.

I DO believe in the truth so it’s not that I outright try to lie… I just feel the need to omit certain truths. It can be lonely - easy to alienate people with too much truth. Where is that line? How much risk is worth it? The biggest problem for me with my blog is that I want to be more honest but find that hard to do it. I don’t want to seem bitter if and when I feel angry because I do feel disappointed often. Life is full of disappointments. And I have this nagging feeling that if I am too positive about certain things, I will just jinx it. Maybe that’s connected with the Catholic guilt. But I do wish I could be more honest. I wonder, would people receive that well or just dismiss it as a rant?

I mean, I’m all for finding the positive in life and not focusing so much on the negative. I believe that positive energy brings you more positive energy while negative energy can be poisonous. But, when something is not right you can’t always hold it in. There’s a time to be nice and a time to not be so nice. As I continue to blog, I will work on that. While it is probably not always wise or even necessary to be brutally honest, there are times when I just want to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Her Story

A particularly steamy date - this is her perspective of the night:

Your ruler, Uranus, meets clever Mercury and seductive Venus on January 15, and with a soft touch, focused mind and unfailing determination, you will be able to pry open even the coldest heart or most stubborn mind. Some Aquarians will dribble this power away on ego-driven encounters, one-night stands or unrealistic projects; the smart ones will initiate changes in their attitudes and show the world that they are among the great movers, thinkers and lovers of the zodiac.

That was my Planet Terry horoscope for this week. I only read it on the 16th, and was worried that maybe I had dribbled away my power for ego’s sake the previous day. Today I realize that this weekend I did indeed have a change in attitude and know that I have progressed and learned more about myself and my desires for happiness.

I have been into online dating for a few months now and have met mostly duds but a few possibilities just good enough for sex. Although I specified man or woman as my gender preference, very few women seemed interested or interesting to me. A week ago I got an email from a very cute, sweet looking Latina, and we got together for drinks and what I figured might just be a nice little hook up session. I got to her apartment and was not only very attracted to her but felt instantly comfortable. Moments later I met her roommate, Lex. He was a 6’5” skinny guy, a little dorky looking, but down to earth and down right charming. We had a few drinks and soon were laughing and talking about all manners of things. When I saw that there was only one bedroom with one bed I was a little pissed — I never responded to couples online who wanted me to join in for a threesome — after all, the ones I’ve had have always been uneven and not all that much fun. But, I just couldn’t resist Kat. She has this cocoa butter body, long curly soft dark hair, firm little tits, a little waist, and an ass that was taunting me. I figured maybe it wouldn’t matter if Lex watched, after all, I like voyersim and am used to it. They showed me Lex’ online blog, Naked Loft Party, and told me about their lifestyle. I was more than intrigued; almost mesmerized when I saw some of the beautiful pictures of them with various sexy women and Lex’ huge hard cock and invariably got horny as hell. Kat and I were on the bed, touching and kissing. Our tops came off and our breasts felt amazing rubbing against each other. Our long curly hair intertwined and her soft lips were on mine. I kissed her passionately and grabbed her ass and it felt like heaven. When Lex came over and started to touch us just a little I wanted him to touch some more. Soon it was an all out threesome, naked and dripping and soft and pulsing.

We were symbiotic, delicious, never awkward and always receiving and giving pleasure. Kat and I would be in a deep tonguing 69 while Lex was pumping his dick into her with his shaved balls falling into my mouth. Lex would be eating me out while Kat was on top of me kissing and licking — my right hand jerking Lex off and my left deep in Kat’s pussy. There is nothing like eating a girl out with her ass in your face while getting fucked deep and hard.

There were so many positions and pleasures, each a new delicacy, never anyone left out, always an appreciating comment or sound. After hours of this we were starving and went out for Chinese as comfortable as any good friends. We caused a commotion in a bar and knew we were too frisky for the general public. Back at the apartment we couldn’t get enough of each other, and stayed up late on a school night.

That was Thursday, and Saturday night, Sunday and Monday we existed in ecstasy together. Not constantly having sex, (when we weren’t we were still naked and undoubtedly feely) but forming an actual relationship that worked three ways. It suddenly seems to me that having a boyfriend and a girlfriend is what I’ve always wanted. It makes so much sense that I feel stupid to have never seen this as a remote possibility. Threesomes were always in my life as friends — why shouldn’t it work just as well with hot sex thrown in?

***

In my defense, she did arrive early and I was planning on taking her to another spot so we could get to know each other. I did not have any assumptions about where the night would lead. Although I won’t pretend I didn’t have some naughty ambitions, it’s never a deal breaker if we don’t have a threesome. Luckily it all worked out deliciously.

Sex Etiquette

Here is an interesting video about Uneasy Sexual Moments.

To Shave or Not to Shave The last story reminds me of a situation when I reeeally needed a woman to shave and she wouldn’t do it. Wouldn’t even let me shave her. The relationship did not last very long. I don’t want a woman to look like a 12 year old girl so completely shaved does not at all turn me on, but I definitely prefer a trim quim. Maybe like a little landing strip. Is nice… very nice…

Ass Finger Anyone? In any case this video amuses me. Oh yeah, and the finger on the asshole… yeah, I’ve been there too. I even had a discussion with friends about this. Apparently it is a no no with many guys. Party foul, party foul! Doh! My bad.

Note to self: Remember your sex etiquette. And I hope everyone else remembers too. Sextiquette is good.

The beginning and the End (Emails with J: Part I-IV)

Part I-Anticipation

Kat wrote:
My goodness it was so nice to hear your voice. It was good to hear that you are still playing ball. That was always such a turn on _blush. I must say I am very nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I will definitely try to look my best.

Later, after a brief meeting…

John wrote:
Mmmmm… Damme mas!

John wrote:
Damn those lips!!!!! You’ve got me all hor….ummm….happy now. ; P

Kat wrote:
It took all my strength to do it, but know that I absolutely did not want to pull away from you. I certainly could not get enough of a dose of you to sustain me till next week…. On my way home I will imagine what other trouble we can get into soon…

By the way, I don’t know if you noticed my eyes looking down to see just how happy you got ;) but yeah, I couldn’t help myself… Mmmmmm

John wrote:
I had to resist tremendously from sliding my hand up your skirt!! Who knows what would have happened if I did.

Kat wrote:
The front side or the back side of my skirt? I would have welcomed either with lips parted and a warm smile ;)

John wrote:
I’ve NEVER forgotten your backside!! It’s what’s getting me warmed up right now.

Kat wrote:
You’re killing me here…

Kat wrote:
You have no idea what I want to do to you… And you aren’t even online that much so boy you really keep a girl trembling; aching for more. Do you even realize what you do to me after all these years? Always such a patient man that you are you’re probably not even breaking a sweat over it (me). Mmmmm what I wouldn’t do to have another taste right now.

even later…

John wrote:
What are you wearing today?

Kat wrote:
I do have a sexy corsette with garter belts.

John wrote: Mmmm garter belts are VERY sexy!! I can’t wait to take them off with my teeth.

Kat wrote:
You animal you :O I won’t be using my teeth on you much though. I’ll let my tongue do most of the work…

John wrote:
Hello “Pussy”….Oooops…I mean Kitty. haha

My hands are cold. Can I slide them up your inner thighs for some warmth?

Kat wrote:
Oh my _faint

You asked me before about my wish list. What’s on my wish list can’t be fulfilled in one hour or two.

You smell just like I remember. You looked and felt so good the other day. I wondered what else you would have done to me had I let you?

I want your tongue to melt into mine… and into other places… will you like the way I taste?

John wrote:
I’m pretty sure I’ll like lots of things about you now. I just can’t wait to show you my……..apartment.  ; P

John wrote:
So Miss Kitty, will I get to see you purrr like a kitten and crawl on all fours while
wearing nothing but your garter belts and (thong??)?

Kat wrote:
I may need to take a shower at your place … would you mind if I did?

John wrote:
I don’t mind at all. I’ll help you undress.

John wrote:
You never answered my question:

“Will I get to see you purrr like a kitten and crawl on all fours while wearing nothing but your garter belts and (thong??)?”

***

Part II-Elation

Kat wrote:
I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you all over me. You are so fucking tasty I just want to eat you up. And I want you to consume me. You can take my body and do with it as you please. I want to feel your touch on every inch of my body. It’s no surprise I was trembling so much (especially when I was on top of you – just picture it for a second…driving your cock hard and fast into me- it makes me shiver and moan right now thinking about it). I want to pounce on you MEOW!

I remember that night at your apartment when you made dinner (back in the day) and you had me so wet before we had sex I probably had several orgasms just anticipating what was coming to me from underneath your pants. I hate to wait so long to see you again, but the anticipation will probably just mean that I will be that much more wet for you by the time we get to take each other’s clothing off (I’m imagining you fingering me right now to help me use up some of the juices).

Ummph makes me wanna do somethin’!

John wrote:
I was itching to email you too but I didn’t want to set the wrong example by doing personal stuff in front of the new co-worker. You were beyond amazing. It was an unforgettable short night.

We would have gone for round 2 if you didn’t have to go. Did you get there ok? But yeah, don’t think anything negative. It was ALLLLL GOOOOOOOD!!!  ; ) I’ll email you tmrw. Taste you later.  ; )

Kat wrote:
I will definitely have to stay longer next time (if you’ll let me). I feel like I couldn’t get enough of you. I wonder if you could really do round 2?

I was ready for it. I wonder how many hours you would need to be able to go round 3??

Your tongue was so delicious and soft and felt so fucking good lapping away at my pussy. Your huge cock thrusting deep into me made me completely loose control. Was I juicy enough for you? Oh my. Sorry, am I being too dirty? I want you all over me. Licking me and playing with me till I have an orgasm and then you can enter me and make me orgasm again and again. We could fuck and suck each other on the floor, on the couch, on the kitchen counter, in the shower. My body is still burning for your touch ;) I would like to taste you again and again.

So, when am I going to get to see you again? I’m picturing you now in just your towel barely on hiding your hunger… purrrrrrr….

John wrote:
Wow. Now that kind of talk really got me turned on!! I’m stiff just reading your email. Your ass was a pure fucking delight!! I can hit it for hours! And your wet pussy felt so warm and juicy around my thick cock. Mmmmmm I’m fucking you in my mind right now!! Imagining us 69’ing each other makes me want to explode in my pants.

Looking forward to our next…ummmm…appointment.

Kat wrote:
Monday night seems like too long ago and our next time is probably too far away. I need fresh inspiration from you.

Your voice was music to my ears. Sorry I missed your call but I was out to dinner and then catching a movie so I couldn’t pick up. I tried calling you around 11am, but then hung up because I realized given your work schedule that you might be in transit. I had hoped to actually catch you and say hello. Of course like a dork I always try your house first by mistake so you’ll probably see my caller ID. Don’t worry, I am not stalking you. LOL. Anyway, you are a hard man to get a hold of. I didn’t know if it was okay to leave a message on your answering machine so I figured I’d better not. I’ll mostly just leave the calling up to you (though that is an extreme test of my patience as I would like nothing more than speak with you whenever I have the urge meow).

But there are some parts of that night still fresh in my mind. Imagine what impression could be left when we to spend more than an hour together.

So, did my email really make you stiff? Just thinking about you getting stiff is making my pussy pulsate a little. I have to squeeze my legs tightly together to keep from moaning out loud. I would like nothing more than to spread them for you right now. Like the gesture you made in the restaurant, I’d like to toss everything off my desk and tear off our clothing so we can have our way with each other. Then I’d wrap my moist lips around you and let my tongue tease you a little…

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but you always make me a little nervous. Like when you were getting your dick ready for me as you positioned yourself on the bed and I played with myself while I waited for god knows what pleasure I was about to get! Just anticipating our next time is making me wet.

But I’ll have to satisfy myself with the little bit from you that I can get until then. No matter how short, naughty or sweet, it always warms me up to get a little note from you. Hopefully we can schedule another session soon… I don’t mind geting dinner or drinks or whatever, but you know me – I’m easy. I just want to get some of your sweat dripping on me at some point _winkwink

John wrote:
Hey girl,

I will drip my jizzz on you whenever you want. I’m imagining your
lips wrapped around my cock right now. The way you talk turns me on all the time. Your moans make me want to explode too soon. It’s extremely difficult holding back my jizz from exploding all over you. I want to savor every fuck session for as long as we can. No 20 minute jobs here.

FUCK, I’m hard right now.

I want your ass on Monday if you’re available. My place? Bed, shower, floor, table etc…. we can go WILD. I’m going to call you in a bit though you mentioned that you probably won’t be available. I’ll take my chances.

I want to be stroked by you right now. Wrap that hand around my meat and stroke it with your hand, your lips and slide that tongue up and down my shaft! Mmmmmm That pussy must be wet by now. See you Monday?

Kat wrote:
It’s not even Monday and I’m already looking forward to the fourth or fifth time we get to fuck. I can’t help moaning so much when I’m around you. You make me feel so juicy all the time. I’m left breathless at the thought of you slapping my big round ass with your penis and busting a nut all over my cheeks(guess which ones, my face or my bottom). And that could be just part one. I don’t know how long you’ll want to keep coming back for more, but I just really hope you stick around for a while. We also have to have another meal together don’t we? That’s a nice build up too…

Speaking of meals and dessert and such – I want to stroke your penis till it swells up nice and thick, but I have to remember how you like to be pleased. I want to lick you and rub you just right. Will you help me? I want to torture you with pleasure. It makes me tremble when your skin is pressed against mine. I long for the flick of your tongue on me, my pussy juices all over your face (it’s okay if you make a mess). Each moment of ecstasy, every orgasm, simply makes me want more. I can cum in so many different ways just thinking about your throbbing hard on….ummm my mouth is watering.

I’m telling you honestly, your huge dick scares me a little. You have to help me get used to it. I will need several sessions before I can really learn to please you right. Are you going to be okay with that?

Maybe this time when you greet me you will have all your clothing on so that we can build up a little and I can help you undress. It will be a little mysterious. I’ll be thinking what lies under all that? What does he have in store for me next?

John wrote:
Mmmmm my dick just swelled 3x it’s size after reading your email. I can’t wait to see your lovely mouth wrapped around my shaft just sucking away with delight. You suck it soooooooo fucking good.

So missy, what sexy thing will you be wearing for me tonight?

Kat wrote:
How can you even walk around with that thing?? Fuck, I want to grab your dick just thinking about how hard it can get. Have you ever jerked off in the bathroom at work? That would be so hot if you told me that you did that one of these days. I did once when I was 18 – at my summer job. I put the seat cover down in the bathroom, sat down and spread my legs. Then I lifted one and kept it propped against the heating vent. My fingers slid expertly up and down even in and out as juices gushed all over. I wondered if someone was going to walk in on me or if they were going to hear me moaning. Then I wondered if cameras were installed and if I was going to get fired. My clit was so hard at the thought of getting caught that it was pulsating for the rest of my shift. I could hardly concentrate at work. I’m telling you, nothing upset me that day.

Too bad I don’t have an office now because sex at work is one of my huge fantasies. Well, specifically getting eaten out under my desk… but any kind of sex will definitely do. Imagine that you’re checking your emails when suddenly a hot number (hips swinging, ass jiggling, luscious lips) comes up to you and holds her arms so tight that her boobs practically fall out of their tiny blouse, nipples almost poking through the thin material. She tells you softly that it’s very cold in your office and you promise that you will turn the heat up if she can wait a moment. I’m sure you could figure out how to take care of her right there and then (you can fill in the rest of this fantasy). And you wouldn’t have to worry about adjusting your pants when you got up from your desk to grab a hold of her.

You can just let her unzip you as she gets ready to show her gratitude.

I once imagined that you would do just that for me when I went to visit you at your desk back in the day. It was hard for me to resist you then, it’s probably harder now. You’ve gotten a lot more delicious in your old (lol) age.

As for what I’m wearing, I always try to keep that a surprise. That’s just how I do. And if I just can’t figure out what to wear, then I’ll just have to wear a trench coat with nothing underneath.

Okay you big sweet stud. I will see you tonight. I hope you are looking forward to it as much as I am ;)

John wrote:
Mmmmmm You’re really good at getting me excited! One of my fantasies (a simple one for now) is for you to stay one night at my apt. Then, in the middle of the night, you quietly crawl under the sheets and suck my dick ever sooo slowly. Savoring every inch of it. Licking from the top head, up and down my thick, hard shaft and down to my balls. Mmmmm Spit on it and make it slippery and wet! OH fuck, I’m so hard rite now. Email me and tell me what you think.

Kat wrote:
That could be worked out certainly, but it would have to be on a non school night. I would prefer not to have to rush out so early in the morning if you wouldn’t mind (especially since you would be able to continue sleeping and I’d be so jealous of your head on the pillow!), though I hope you will not be looking to empty your apartment too early tonight either.

By the way, have you ever actually woken up to getting your dick sucked? I’d like nothing more than to spit all over your shaft and lap it all up. Maybe after all the excitement you’d have to clean up my face since it would be covered with all your jizz. Treat me right tonight and next email will be nice and dirty I promise…

***

Part III-Reminiscing

Kat wrote:
This is not good at all. I am trying to get something accomplished here and all I keep doing is thinking of you. I might as well just give in to it a little.

I can definitely taste your lips. I want to hold you close to me and give you a long wet hard kiss. When I get to kiss you again, you’ll have to pull me away with your strong hands because I’ll be trembling, desperately trying to take in more of you. I will hardly let myself catch my breath not wanting to miss any moment of your delicious lips and tongue.

I can imagine you slowly easing me to the floor and spreading my legs. Then you might just find that there is no underwear to remove and you’ll dive right in for a taste. My nicely shaved pussy will be dying for your attention. You’ll stick a finger inside me and find that I’m very sticky – juicy slippery yearning for your cock to thrust into me, but you won’t satisfy me like that. You’ll lather my pussy with your tongue and suck on my clit now and again. You’ll hear me moaning, my whole body heating up. I know your big dick will be aching for me, and my pussy will be dripping so badly needing you inside me, but you will just lick some more before you bring out the lube, waiting for my orgasm, asking me if I would like to cum for you. You’ll lick faster and faster and then slow down a little while your tongue teases my clit a little more. Eventually the juices will be too much for your mouth and you’ll have to use your hand. Fingering my clit to orgasm. Oh my god I will cry out, and then I’ll be yours to fuck.

You’ll still make my pussy ache for more because you will frst take a moment to mouth fuck me for a little bit. You’ll hold my head while you try to stick your dick as far into my mouth as I can take it. The more you tease me the more I will want you. When I can’t take the mouth fucking anymore (I will try to be good and take the torture), you will have to get your penis ready and I’ll moan in anticipation, knowing that your huge thick cock is going to thrust deep inside me and make everything better very soon.

Once you’re finally inside my warm and tight hole, I will moan in ecstacy as I cum all over and over again just for you (Remember when I was close to the edge of the bed and grabbing at the blanket on your bed? Oh, you give me such sweet torture I can almost feel it now just thinking about it).

I will sit on you and take you in some more and hold you tight to my body, shivering some more while my pussy juices spill all over your cock. Up and down I will go, enjoying every inch of you over and over again, our bodies dripping sweat all over each other. (I get really wet just thinking about sitting on your cock)

And finally you will turn me around and smack my ass with your penis and take me from behind. I know you love fucking that ass of mine. And you will pump away till you’re ready to explode – or whichever way you want to release your load. You can always taunt me some more I think I can take it as long as you continue to feed the fire. We’ll continue fucking and sucking on each other till we collapse. I can’t wait to feel your hard cock in my hands and have you inside of me again. How does that sound? Trust me, I am very warm and wet inside, waiting for Sunday.

_kisses

Jonh wrote:
Wow!!!!!!My dick is in my hand but it’s yearning for yours!!!

***

Part IV-Denial

When you have to ask for it this way, it’s time to admit to yourself the magic is already gone. Of course asking for it isn’t bad in it of itself… but then again maybe that’s debatable as to whether this was a case of jumping the shark
Kat wrote
I know you wanted some more picture so maybe I’ll send you one just before I leave…

I also had a favor to ask of you. I think I told you something to this effect, but I can cum in many ways – from penetration of my pussy and ass (no I’m not offering the latter…hee hee, just giving you the fyi – not everyone can cum this way). Then there are also the orgasms from playing with (or licking) my clit. A more obvious one, but the clitorgasms for me are slower to get to and a little harder to come by when I don’t have a chance to concentrate. Maybe because of stress, I’ll admit I haven’t been hitting those lately.

I wondered if you could help me reach that the next time we meet up. I might need some individual uninterrupted attention for maybe 20 minutes (maybe less, with care I could probably get there in 5-10 minutes). Actually, sometimes I wish a woman would just tell me exactly what to do because it’s so hard reading someone’s mind and even their body when you’re just getting to know them (or getting reacquainted after many years).

Even though (or maybe because of this fact) I thoroughly enjoy sucking on your delicious cock, that alone can make it difficult for me to concentrate on my own climax. I’ve also been a little worried about it taking me too long and I don’t want you to feel bored so I figured it would be more fun to feel you inside me mmmm (and when you get so excited about it going there, you just drive me nuts and get me excited about it too).

I must admit I was definitely still nervous the first couple of times with you. I guess as I’ve gotten a little more comfortable with you, I’ve realized that this is something I would like to share with you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m going to ignore you. So, I’m asking, would you be willing to try making me cum with your hand or tongue before we start focusing on you the next time?

The good thing is that when I cum that way, I could let you do just about anything to me (including some mouth fucking – maybe you could even give me a pearl necklace – yeah, I mean cum on my face and tits or whatever else you’d like me to try within reason of course, I don’t think I’d like to get into any S&M lol). That also just makes me cum harder when you slip inside me and I’ll just squeeze tighter for you ;)

I normally don’t even ask. Either it happens or it doesn’t. I considered whether I should just wait till I see you to ask for this favor. But I didn’t want it to seem like I was being too demanding. And since we’re not going to see each other for a little while, maybe this is something you and I can both enjoy thinking about until the next time we see each other.

I like to explore your body as well and I think you’ve found me to be very easy going. I just felt this yearning to have you touch me in this way and wanted to make sure you understood where I was coming from. I realize that it can be difficult to get to a place with someone when you really badly want to make it feel right, so I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you in any way. Believe me this will be rewarding for both of us I think. I don’t want you to think I haven’t been enjoying every single thing we’ve done. And I’m not asking you to put my needs first so that I can just forget your needs once I’m satisfied. I get more satisfaction out of both of us being satisfied. Maybe I’m just not that good at multitasking sometimes. It’s not always easy for me to ask for certain things. All complications aside, I just wanted to share this with you. So far you’ve been so open and understanding about everything so I hope you will enjoy helping me with this ;)

Since it’s all about sharing, you can tell me what you want help with and we’ll take turns. You help me and then I will help you. Does that sound okay?

Purrrrr….

John wrote:
Hahahah I’m not much of a talker but I have no problem making you come first next time. I’ll just let my tongue and fingers do all the work.

*** Epilogue

So there was initially this big ANTICIPATION about meeting up with him again. I wanted to have sex with a new person, but a person who was really not so new and felt safe and trustworthy. It IS hard to find that.

From the very beginning, it was difficult to see this as just sex. I mean we did have a history together. But really, that’s all it was. JUST SEX. I mean, I’m not so naive that I thought this guy would actually be into this whole polyamory deal. I just thought we could develop a little more of a bond. Stupid me, I think.

That’s probably why I also stuck around for as long as I did even though the sex went quickly from absolutely amazing to well really not very orgasmic at all. It wasn’t that he didn’t have nice sized dick. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to use it. I didn’t try to compare like a friend once did asking a mutual sex partner if she thought my husband’s dick was bigger and when she said yes he was distraught – well if he couldn’t handle the truth he shouldn’t have asked. The truth, in my mind, is that there is no man who can compare to Lex. He has the right size (he did win a biggest dick contest after all, but fortunately for me, he’s not too big, because although some women are size queens, a 12 inch dick is something I would not be running to any time soon) AND he knows how to use it, but he knows how to use other parts as well. A lot of people forget about all those other good things… but as usual I digress. Like I said, I wasn’t trying to compare.

I just knew that I wanted something more than just pumping away in all sorts of positions. That seriously only gets me so far. And so I tried to make excuses so that I could justify why this wasn’t just me getting some extra dick or just giving him exactly what he wanted. I was the perfect candidate to fulfill his needs. I am married after all and he never had to worry that I’d try to hang around too long. But it became somewhat mundane for me. And I did find my answers. Could it ever have been something more? No, not at all.

Sometimes, I think the mere idea of it was more exciting than anything else. I mean, here I was with a lover… it has a sexy ring to it. But at the same time, I thought I would reach some depth with him. I enjoyed pretending that he was something like he used to be. And maybe I was pretending I was something like what I used to be.

Certainly in the beginning, there seemed to be this great fire. It was like an anticipation that had been building for 8 years, even though I hadn’t really thought about him since then, actually only till recently. And then he showed up in my myspace inbox, “[Hey, it’s me John, remember that candle light dinner I prepared for you and the walk we took along the piers]?” It just gave me a boost that after all these years a guy I remembered to be very sweet and sexy was right in front of me once again. And then after we had sex a couple of times, there was ELATION and some REMINISCING, but then after we had sex a couple more times, well, there was no more greatness and maybe along with the reminiscing, there came some DENIAL.

He did tell me he had an open relationship with his girlfriend just as I had an open relationship… but as it turns out he did NOT have such an open relationship after all and well it took me a while to really respond to that the way I should have in the first place. I wanted it to be something different. I wanted him to mean more than he did, more than he could have. It was me in a place where I loved one man very deeply (Lex of course) and then there was this other guy who I thought was awesome… Maybe I wanted to believe it was like a test of my commitment to the ideals of polyamory… anything but what it was.

I completely forgot about all the reasons I broke up with him in the first place. All these feelings from before crept back up and I sold myself on the idea that maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with him. Was it guilt? Was it greediness? A little of both? I wanted another shot at seeing where it could have gone. I wanted another chance to not feel like the bad guy. Maybe I liked pretending I was more important to him than I really was. Maybe it was the fact that he was a little more than halfway decent to me once, but that time had passed. He obviously got lucky looking up an ex who was not jaded and well we had some good times. I just wonder why I didn’t break things off the moment I know I could no longer reach an orgasm with him. I tried not to be shallow, but lets face it, I wasn’t trying to move in with the guy. But like I said, there was DENIAL.

It was also fun exchanging steamy emails and seemingly building up to the next time, but the next time just got less and less interesting. Until one day, his kiss just didn’t do it for me anymore. And then the whole thing happened so fast the next day I came up with a few more excuses, but finally just had to admit, “this isn’t working for me.” But we went on for a while without me saying what I really felt inside and I just avoided him for months, putting him off again and again (and I seriously hate that passive aggressive nonsense that women always pull like it’s not “yes” but it’s not “no”, but here I was doing exactly what I hate…) well the justification was that he had a girl and he wasn’t waiting for an answer from me (another thing I hate that women pull… well you have each other so you don’t need an answer from me – but guess what we are also individuals and yes, we do appreciate a heads up whatever it might be), but he WAS needing an answer and I didn’t own up to that – both for him and for myself.

And I owed it to myself to stop pretending. I have to work on being more assertive, I know that much. But this is all a part of me understanding how to communicate my feelings with others regardless of whether or not they’re going to think I’m weird because I have emotions.

And I wondered why John stuck around for so long emailing me and calling me inviting me now and again despite my many refusals and postponements. Truth is it was no skin off his back (though he probably would have appreciated an answer sooner) to just check up on me as long as I didn’t say no, sex with me was still an option (though still – who sticks around for that long without getting any from that person – see why it might seem a little confusing?). And when I finally said no, it was as simple as that. His answer to “this isn’t working for me” was simply, I understand… we are at different places in our lives…” Maybe I wanted him to ask me what was missing, what was wrong… but it’s my own fault for not learning detachment. He seemed to have not been as affected. For me it was never that simple, but it really should have been. What confused me was definitely our history. And I kept going back and forth in my mind… do I want more or not?

And I did let it go for so long because of our history, but I know now history is history and no matter how much you build on it for a long lasting loving relationship, it doesn’t mean much in the realm of just sex. Next time I want so badly not to seem like the bad guy, I should just look inside myself and find the truth because as long as I have that then I can be sure to go in the right direction. Casual sex comes in many forms and it takes a lot more than some history to build up to a relationship. We never really shared all that much is the thing I had to admit to myself.

I’m NOT a Size Zero Blond Bombshell

Okay, so I have this idea that every entry has to be completely thought out or else it just totally sucks. But then I take forever to get my thoughts out. So, I’m going try to get this one out easy.

For some reason, after reading my blog or my husband’s blog, some people seem to think that I am probably a size 0 and a blond bombshell. It bothers me because not only is my idea of sexy not in there, but it concerns me that it’s the only definition of sexy that’s really out there. With that image I’m certainly to disappoint anyone I meet.

I am not a size zero and if I were so what? I actually was a size zero once. But I’ve also been in the double digits. I mean, my weight has certainly fluctuated a lot. I’ve struggled with my self image. I’m not trying to impose my ideal onto anyone else. So why is it that people make all these assumptions about who I am and who I’m looking for? Even after I specifically state that being sexy is a state of mind. I’m not going to tell you all my fears just so that you’ll like me. I mean, the only imposition is that I talk about some of my preferences maybe. I don’t even think I paint that great of a picture. I’m not that descriptive about the way people look. So where is this blond bombshell size zero coming from?

I guess I have to ignore other people’s insecurities because I have too many of my own. But when I write a sexy story, when my husband writes a sexy story, I’d like to think we paint more than just images of blond bombshell size 0s all around us.

And if I don’t include you in my club, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean it’s because you’re not a size zero. And you don’t need to prove your self worth by offering blow jobs either. I’ve had small girls and big girls flake out on me (oh yes, I’ve been stood up many times - only once by a man, but mostly by women who decide they can’t deal with meeting me or something like that), so it takes more than being the right size to be a part of something. If you’re serious about it you will make the choices that will lead you to make it happen. If you’re not serious, you will make all the excuses in the world and never look at your role in it. I know because I’ve done that. I’ve made excuses thinking everyone else was excluding me and feeling so judged thinking how dare they, but you know it’s usually my own fault I am excluded. It’s usually in the attitude, not the look. Please don’t blame me for your insecurities.

Frankly I’m offended that by the whole thing. Some women don’t like me because either I haven’t met their ideal or I might not meet their ideal or I might meet their ideal but then they can’t relate to me or else they think they might not meet my ideal so how dare do I judge them? We’re all screwed up with this whole image thing… I neither expect people I meet to be size zero blond bombshells nor am I that way, but I try not to fault someone for being that either. I’ve been with women of different sizes, shapes, and colors. It’s more the personality that attracts me to a person or that makes me come back for more. If the chemistry is right…

I do have a preference, but it’s not likely a size zero blond bombshell, though I did meet a beautiful blond once who was sexy inside and out and she knew it and I couldn’t deny it and I couldn’t hate her for it and I wanted to be with her and be in her and be her… but it wasn’t because she was that blond bombshell everyone wants yet is afraid to approach. It was because we hit it off and I was able to approach her and we gave each other a chance and we could admire each other and respect each other that’s all it really took.

Women are angry with each other for no reason. They sometimes say if you’re beautiful then you don’t deserve it. If you’re not, then why should I listen to you?  There’s a lot of hatred and jealousy and comparison going on, but why? We all have our moments and we all have our woes. I’ve been healthy and I have been unhealthy. And I’ve recently tried to get back to being healthy. I just want to feel sexy so I’m sorry if I conveyed the message that I am a size 0 blond bombshell and that’s the only kind of woman I want to be near.