As the Night of Hell in Long Island unfolded, I went along with my presentation and things were going swimmingly for a time. I was passing out the toys and various lotions and powders - one or two at a time from one end of the room to the other end. I was patiently giving massages with the Super Deluxe Smitten and the RomantaTherapy Alluring body lotion. I was numbing people’s lips with the strawberry flavored Nipple Nibbler, which can be used on your nipples for more plumpness. It also works as a chap stick, but it is not vagina friendly. For the clit, you can try the Tasty Tease instead. People seemed to be having fun. They even stopped yelling for the toys for and settled down a bit.
I’m not quite sure when it started to go bad. I think people were just beginning to get tired and just more drunk (calm before the storm) as the night wore on. Hence the real reason for the temporary lull. And I started to have to talk louder and louder over them towards the end. It was only supposed to be half an hour but ended up going to about an hour because there were so many people going in and out of the room who asked me to repeat certain things. That is where I should also have asked Marian, the hostess to control the crowd a bit – if they missed something we could go back to it later. Yeah, now I’m coming up with all these ideas. If was just frustrating and easy to get flustered, though I did handle it well for a while – just that it all fell apart like a cheap suit (!) nearing the end. And I know I was losing the crowd a little, but I started to hand out more vibrators, which they all seemed to like, though some were impatient for their turn. I needed an assistant for crowd control or passing things around so I could attend to the people who were ready to buy NOW.
I too was eager to get to the purchases, but people started to get up. And I tried explaining again that they have to fill out the form - well the only reason I didn’t do it before I started to presentation was because they were already tired then! See, it was a recipe for disaster from the beginning. A big problem was that I was trying to keep them stimulated from the beginning and then later while attending to those who were ready to buy.
My mistakes were numerous.
- I should have made them fill out the forms in the beginning for sure and I did have that planned, but I skipped it. I skipped when I should have been more disciplined about it, and I didn’t skipped things that I should have.
- I left those toys out (though I did put most of them away, that wasn’t good enough). With the toys it has to be all or nothing. People are fiends for those things! And I have been warned about the toys. So many of the other consultants have had those stolen.
- I really should have skipped some of the lotions in my demonstration (although I find them particularly stimulating, these people just wanted to dildos) so I could have gotten to the sales part more quickly!
- Oh yeah, and I shouldn’t have done the party - yeah, that would have been a wise mistake to avoid
- I shouldn’t have done the raffle; yeah, I’ll tell you about that one shortly…
- I shouldn’t have let the party continue after each ridiculous nonsense that these people tried to pull on me left and right…
At some point, Tashala (the bitch!) came back around and I asked her for my feather toy. Not surprisingly, she wouldn’t give the toy back. Another mistake! I should not have asked (another stupid mistake). I should have either stopped the party or told the hostess to get it, but I was trying not to ruin the mood and I guess I was more shocked then I really should have been. Obviously in her state she was going to be as rude as she could be - then she could just blame it on the alcohol and say, “that is not like me at all, I just got carried away,” and that was exactly what she did. The closest thing to an apology, but did I ever get my payment? She’s good for it, and I’m good for it is all I heard from the hostess and from Tashala. By the time I realized she had left, she was calling Marian the hostess back and Marian had to ask her if she left with the toy.
Not concerning myself terribly with the feather toy (not imagining Tashala had actually left - but hell of course next time I will say, “The toy back in my hand or I put everything away immediately and the party ends!”), I went about the business of putting my Magic Monarch, Jelly Osaki, Pink Passion and Gigi (masturbation sleeve) away along with the Nubby G (G spot locator with nubs at the bottom of the shaft). I certainly did not want to lose any of that.
For a moment I panicked for the Gigi. While it may have been a false alarm for the Gigi, maybe that should have reminded me that I had brought out the Ultimate Stroker too! And that one was unopened… so nice and brand new, fresh and ready for anyone to use!
I put all my toys away, or so I thought. The Ultimate Stroker was definitely not put away and the person who had it was probably gone too - snuck out like a rat - or perhaps had it in their bag and smiled at me sheepishly, while saying goodbye, without me realizing it!
Now I was ready for the sales. And lo and behold I get a guy who wanted to bargain with me! He put is like so, “I’m doing you a favor - to make sure you get the sale.” He wanted to get a $10 discount on two items that combined to less than $30! I mean come one. And I was just losing control more and more by the minute. I ended up not charging him for shipping. But for what? I guess I felt I kind of had no choice, but hell, I should have gotten some balls right at that moment and reminded him that this is my source of income (not my only source but as far as anyone’s concerned and the whole reason for me doing the party to begin with - but no everyone has a sob story - even for sex toys) and just said “NO” to him!
He kept pressing me for the Love Smitten (a harder version of the Super Deluxe Smitten) at a ridiculous bargain (actually I forgot I even had a new unopened one with me!) and I refused him. So he finally paid me for his order and I moved on.
Stupidly, I continued without regrouping and just deciding to cut my losses. Why bother doing them any favors. I had started with the idea of a raffle and all I had to do was call out the ticket number which I had chosen before giving out the tickets (allowing people to randomly grab them so no I did not see who would have the winning number). And I proceeded to read the number out loud. Given the disastrous turn of events, even already at this time - 5 purchases totaling under $300! - I should have read a false number. Screw that, why should they get anything?? And then I still could have given a tiny prize for the raffle, but I felt like they were under whelmed and so I wanted to leave with a wow maybe? I did not have my thinking cap on or my business cap on because frankly I was exhausted. And so for some reason trying to please people with my presentation in all the wrong ways, I gave out the Love Mitten which probably would have been better just to keep for myself or hell I should have sold it to that guy for twice as much. It just all happened so fast, and rather than stop myself I just wanted to run away and so in a way rushed through the last half hour I was there without thinking things through better. I felt bombarded by everyone. I don’t know, maybe I was intimidated. This was my biggest party ever. And some people seemed rather sweet; maybe it confused me because there were others that were such assholes I almost just wanted to gain some alliances. Or maybe I felt obligated to finish absolutely everything I set out to do from the beginning. I was a slave to my own plan in a way. Maybe I’m not so good on the fly when money is involved. And certainly not being used to this type of business practice… How could I have made so many mistakes?
As soon as the guy saw the raffle winner get the toy he wanted, he gave me the most evil look! And I merely shrugged my shoulders and said, “I can’t help it. She won it. Sorry.” But he didn’t even deserve my apologies. Though if my head were in the right business mode, I would have given her a tiny lotion and sold the Love Smitten to him!
It wasn’t until after the raffle that I noticed my Ultimate Stroker was missing.
I started my presentation around 10pm and didn’t leave till after midnight.
Getting up to the train was another disaster. In my mind, I would grab the handles of the suitcases on wheels that contained all my belongings and just pull from behind me as I entered the escalator. That didn’t quite work as the red luggage toppled over and the handles of the bag that sat on top of it broke. So I tied the leather handles of that bag tightly onto the metal/plastic handles of the red luggage. Then I tried again. I placed the black luggage in front of me and moved the red one behind me. That didn’t quite work either. I nearly fell over the front one as the back one pushed me when the escalator moved forward. All the while my “helpful” driver was just watching me and asking if she could help. It was pretty embarrassing actually and even though I could have used the help, I didn’t even know where to start. The red luggage fell again but seemed to be stuck in one place. So I just told her I had it and that I would pick the stuff up at the top of the stairs so she need not worry about me. But I knew it was all pretty damn precarious.
Once I got closer to the top of the stairs, I could tell that the luggage in front of me was not budging. Not only had it jammed at a weird angle, it was extremely heavy. So my idea of tossing it over the top of the escalator as I got to the edge wasn’t really my best option. No, going up those escalators was not my brightest moment. Somehow I became stuck at the top. My arms had no strength left in them and I helplessly watched as the leather straps of the smaller bag (which sat on the red luggage) began to break again. And the red luggage now sat on the highest incline of the escalator. Then the leather bag started to spill out all the folders it contained.
Not to lose yet more of my belongings, I bent over to grab the folders as quickly as possible (it’s possible I was somehow able to secure them a little), but seconds after realized I might be in danger of toppling over myself. So I threw the folders over the top of the staircase and then jumped over the black luggage in front of me so that at least I could be out of the danger zone myself. Then immediately after jumping over I turned back to grab more folders. As it turns out they weren’t going anywhere. They were pretty jammed against the escalator wall and at the same time getting chewed up by the escalator’s teeth.
I got scratched up but finally got all the folders onto the platform. Then with the last bit of strength I found somehow, I pulled out the red and black suit cases and gathered around my mess to pick it all up.
I did see some people there, but they were too busy minding their own business so I tried to simply assess the damage. Finally I got all the folders and crap I had with me in one place and sat down. The folders suffered minimal damage (some torn up some with foot prints all over) all things considered.
I felt almost lifeless at that point. Waiting for the train for about an hour made me rethink a lot of things. And I called Lex and he comforted me. And I waited some more for the train.
Exhausted though I was I stayed awake through the whole ride (probably another hour) - not wanting to wake up with all my shit gone!
At Penn Station I made my way along the platform, only to stop dead in my tracks at an escalator. As if I was reliving a Pavlovian nightmare, I couldn’t move forward. No way I was getting on the escalator again. I started to search for an elevator. A man noticed me and, figuring what I was looking for, assured me that there was an elevator at the other end of the platform. I followed him for a couple of minutes and it seemed eerily quiet all around me (at this point it was past 2am). I stopped once again and thought, “No way, you’re going from the fire into the frying pan! This man might mean you harm. Think! There’s no one around. You’re going to have to force yourself up the escalator again. That’s your only choice!” And also, “Am I about to get assaulted??” That did cross my mind. I rushed back to the escalator telling the man thank you and that I would find another way. Luckily part of it was only my paranoid thoughts (though I still think it WAS SAFER to just head back to the escalator) because the man offered to help me up the escalator. So I hesitantly let him grab one of the suit cases (he could still steal my shit! Come on, this is New York. You can’t underestimate anyone!). And he safely got me up the stairs. Finally, I met a Good Samaritan.
Here I was, still alive. Ready to take the train home (yes another one!). And at that moment I just thought fuck this. I’m taking a taxi the rest of the way. And even though I started to make a plan for how I would get myself to the 1 or the E and then transfer at a station with an elevator for the L, I just gave up the fight and got out into the street for a sweet ride home! Eating up more of my measly profits on the way, I couldn’t be more relieved to just be able to sit back.
I made it home after 3am.
****
Several calls and emails to Tashala and Marian trying to get payment for my feather toy - two months later. Tashala insisted that the check was in the mail, even though I initially asked for a credit card number. I shouldn’t even have given her my address. I even started to get paranoid about that. Because I imagined harassing her for the money, yet not knowing where she lives she could more easily come over to me and threaten me back more seriously (??? Don’t know where my head was???). Hell - what was I going to do to enforce any of my requirements! The company doesn’t help in that situation. How can they really? And I certainly didn’t have time to knock at their doors. It would cost me more than the toy to go back and forth to Long Island! I still don’t have the payment for my feather toy and no of course Marian never found my Ultimate Stroker.
And I never heard from anyone else from that party even though they said they were interested in more (products, parties, even becoming consultants themselves). I guess when they saw that my shit was stolen they decided to be smarter than I was and not bother with this shit.
I got a ride to the LIRR station, but that was almost the only bit of luck. That and I guess not getting robbed and well, I made it home in one piece. None the worse for wear. No, that type of party situation is not what I ever bargained for! At least the night of hell in Long Island was finally over.
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